Hi everyone,
Right now, while writing this, I am in a fight with N. We were just watching a movie, 'I am Legend'. A nice one, but we didn't get to the end of it. At the scene where the dog dies, N. started crying. I made an observation, that he cried during a movie while acting tough all the time. It was meant as a joke, but it totally escalated. He answered he'll tell me the same when needles were shown on the screen again. This is a very sensitive point for me, as I have various traumas with needles and getting forced towards them, and struggled a long time with panic towards them. This is because of my history with my disease. That comment of his really hit me. So I didn't handle that well and told him to leave. He got mad, told me I should've known he was crying because of memories about his own dog.. I yelled at him that I couldn't know that, because he didn't tell me that. He left after that. In my desperation I told him it's over. I don't know if it is. He texted me, 'have fun with the rest of the movie'. I texted back I ain't going to watch it. He texted me good night. I texted that back. I went to his door and stood there for over five minutes, then I accidentally touched his door too hard and I ran away. I hid around the corner and heard a door. I saw him looking the other way, so I ran back to my own place. I don't know if he saw me. He probably doesn't even care. I should've known it was about his dog. I don't know how I should, but I should. And I definitely shouldn't have yelled and tell him it's over. I just felt so desperate at the moment. Now I am alone this Saturday night, he is asleep. I don't want to text anyone, I only want him. But I don't. I should stop this. I am no good for him. For anyone.
I just went to his door again. There's no use. I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Love,
Rose
Right now, while writing this, I am in a fight with N. We were just watching a movie, 'I am Legend'. A nice one, but we didn't get to the end of it. At the scene where the dog dies, N. started crying. I made an observation, that he cried during a movie while acting tough all the time. It was meant as a joke, but it totally escalated. He answered he'll tell me the same when needles were shown on the screen again. This is a very sensitive point for me, as I have various traumas with needles and getting forced towards them, and struggled a long time with panic towards them. This is because of my history with my disease. That comment of his really hit me. So I didn't handle that well and told him to leave. He got mad, told me I should've known he was crying because of memories about his own dog.. I yelled at him that I couldn't know that, because he didn't tell me that. He left after that. In my desperation I told him it's over. I don't know if it is. He texted me, 'have fun with the rest of the movie'. I texted back I ain't going to watch it. He texted me good night. I texted that back. I went to his door and stood there for over five minutes, then I accidentally touched his door too hard and I ran away. I hid around the corner and heard a door. I saw him looking the other way, so I ran back to my own place. I don't know if he saw me. He probably doesn't even care. I should've known it was about his dog. I don't know how I should, but I should. And I definitely shouldn't have yelled and tell him it's over. I just felt so desperate at the moment. Now I am alone this Saturday night, he is asleep. I don't want to text anyone, I only want him. But I don't. I should stop this. I am no good for him. For anyone.
I just went to his door again. There's no use. I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Love,
Rose