Well.. How to start this writing... It's a miracle I'm still walking around on this planet. I had an emotional breakdown quite a few times this week. I don't see the use any more. I lost K., we fight all the time. I made mistakes. He made mistakes. We fight, fight, make up and fight again. Every fight I feel myself breaking down more and more from the inside. I don't want to do this any more. A few days ago. Can't exactly remember when, I had a panic attack right at the moment I was at the train station and the train doors closed between me and K., he was gone. I walked. I don't know where I went. But I fell on the ground somewhere, my legs refused to corporate any further. Nobody there. If I was somewhere were I could easily kill myself, like a river I could throw myself into, I'd probably not be writing this any more.. But something got me back on my feet. The panic became clear, I knew what to do, where I was, where to go. Get home. When I got home, the panic returned. Only this time, I was at a safer place. So weird. I still don't know what happened.. Well.. I got home.. Me and K. are taking more distance. I lost him.. I don't want to realize it. I want to cry. I want alcohol. But I don't have any. I guess I just have to keep holding on... Luckily I'm throwing a party next week, to get some distraction. Something to hold on for me. So, let's live for the party now. We'll see what happens later...
Love, Rose