Hi everyone!
It's been more than 2 weeks since the last time I wrote something.. I'm so busy. Not with activities, really. With thinking, with feeling. I keep being scared. Do I make the right decisions? I don't want to get hurt again. Not like I don't trust K., but he's human too. I'm over the thought he should find another girl, a healthy one. Well, over it isn't it completely. I don't say it any more. My body is decreasing. But strangely, I don't mind the pain I have. Well, I don't hate it. I just don't care about it. It doesn't interest me. I care about K., so I focus on him. I care about my cat, so I take care of her. Actually, I can't think of a lot other things... I don't feel happy any more.. Even worse, I feel quite unhappy. Of course I had the crying already, but I'm feeling down now constantly, even when K. is around. That's what I hate. Yesterday I sat with him in our backyard, I started to cry out of nothing. The sweetheart cuddled me until it got less. I don't like my life any more. Wish I could start a new one. Only one thing I want to take with me. K.! Duh. But, over a week, we'll be on a vacation for two weeks, only me and him. I can't wait, I hope to find some rest in my head in those two weeks. Now it's one big mess. The grandmother of my ex passed away this week. I went to the funeral all alone, I was so nervous! But I needed to go, I really cared about that woman, she have been my grandmother too for two years after all... The family was really happy I was there. Thankful for the cards I sent. That felt really good. Tomorrow I'm leaving for vacation, a week with my mother. Probably get a lot of sleep. I just want to feel happy again. Feeling happy is a long time ago for me. Of course I get happy from K.! :) But now I mean, happy for longer than one day, not only when someone you really like is around... Maybe I should be less hard on myself. A friend of mine said that to me this week. He doesn't know a lot of the stuff keeping me busy, he doesn't know how hard I really am. But that's all I deserve! I am a screw-up and a loser. Personally, I didn't even expect any readers here on my blog. But you are reading it right now! Thank you. It feels like someone is listening to me. But because you choose to start reading this, I don't have to feel guilty or like I'm complaining. Thank you.
Love, Rose
It's been more than 2 weeks since the last time I wrote something.. I'm so busy. Not with activities, really. With thinking, with feeling. I keep being scared. Do I make the right decisions? I don't want to get hurt again. Not like I don't trust K., but he's human too. I'm over the thought he should find another girl, a healthy one. Well, over it isn't it completely. I don't say it any more. My body is decreasing. But strangely, I don't mind the pain I have. Well, I don't hate it. I just don't care about it. It doesn't interest me. I care about K., so I focus on him. I care about my cat, so I take care of her. Actually, I can't think of a lot other things... I don't feel happy any more.. Even worse, I feel quite unhappy. Of course I had the crying already, but I'm feeling down now constantly, even when K. is around. That's what I hate. Yesterday I sat with him in our backyard, I started to cry out of nothing. The sweetheart cuddled me until it got less. I don't like my life any more. Wish I could start a new one. Only one thing I want to take with me. K.! Duh. But, over a week, we'll be on a vacation for two weeks, only me and him. I can't wait, I hope to find some rest in my head in those two weeks. Now it's one big mess. The grandmother of my ex passed away this week. I went to the funeral all alone, I was so nervous! But I needed to go, I really cared about that woman, she have been my grandmother too for two years after all... The family was really happy I was there. Thankful for the cards I sent. That felt really good. Tomorrow I'm leaving for vacation, a week with my mother. Probably get a lot of sleep. I just want to feel happy again. Feeling happy is a long time ago for me. Of course I get happy from K.! :) But now I mean, happy for longer than one day, not only when someone you really like is around... Maybe I should be less hard on myself. A friend of mine said that to me this week. He doesn't know a lot of the stuff keeping me busy, he doesn't know how hard I really am. But that's all I deserve! I am a screw-up and a loser. Personally, I didn't even expect any readers here on my blog. But you are reading it right now! Thank you. It feels like someone is listening to me. But because you choose to start reading this, I don't have to feel guilty or like I'm complaining. Thank you.
Love, Rose