Hi everyone.
So... Things aren't really going great. Tomorrow I'll have the results of the MRI-scan I had for my aorta. I'm so nervous, it's freaking me out. I can't sleep, eat or have fun properly the last few weeks. Last night I hyperventilated and fainted, luckily C. was there to take care I'd be OK. Today I freaked out again, even worse. I had a fight over the phone with C., it seems to be okey now, but I don't think he should forgive me for getting mad at him because I can't handle the nerves for tomorrow. So I totally freaked out. I hit myself. I got some serious bruises on my leg now. Luckily no one will see it. Last weekend I was taking a bath. Realizing how strange life can be. My hands were floating. I looked at them. I decided I wanted to die just like my father did, in a bath, no one realizing he'd be dying that day. Everyone would just do their things. And than, if I'd become a ghost or something, I could check who would be really hit by the news I'm dead, and who just don't really care. My father died of a heart attack. I don't really think I want to die the way he did, but that moment felt so clear to me. It was so strange, everything was solved, all I needed to do was getting a heart attack. And I couldn't even do that. I'm a failure.
Love, Rose
So... Things aren't really going great. Tomorrow I'll have the results of the MRI-scan I had for my aorta. I'm so nervous, it's freaking me out. I can't sleep, eat or have fun properly the last few weeks. Last night I hyperventilated and fainted, luckily C. was there to take care I'd be OK. Today I freaked out again, even worse. I had a fight over the phone with C., it seems to be okey now, but I don't think he should forgive me for getting mad at him because I can't handle the nerves for tomorrow. So I totally freaked out. I hit myself. I got some serious bruises on my leg now. Luckily no one will see it. Last weekend I was taking a bath. Realizing how strange life can be. My hands were floating. I looked at them. I decided I wanted to die just like my father did, in a bath, no one realizing he'd be dying that day. Everyone would just do their things. And than, if I'd become a ghost or something, I could check who would be really hit by the news I'm dead, and who just don't really care. My father died of a heart attack. I don't really think I want to die the way he did, but that moment felt so clear to me. It was so strange, everything was solved, all I needed to do was getting a heart attack. And I couldn't even do that. I'm a failure.
Love, Rose