It's over with N. for more than three months now.
I'm awful. I'm so jealous. I don't want him to get over me, I want him. I love him. I know I should stop that. I've had my chance with him. I was very difficult this week. On one side, I want him with me. I miss him. I love him. I just can't get him out of my head. He never had lots of friends, but since we're over, he's got a lot of female friends. I'm scared. I don't know if I can take another broken heart. I constantly looked for excuses to have contact with him, so does he to have contact with me. On the other side, I want him to be happy. And I've had my chance. Those girls may be really able to make him happy. Those two feelings are both so strong. When I am with him, I'm happy because he is with me. And I just switch at some point. Jealous. Insecure. Scared. I love him. How do I stop that? He is better off without me. I want him to be happy. I just can't bear the idea that I won't be in his life when he'll be happy. I want to be with him. I don't want anyone else. But I can't be with him. I'm scared he don't want to be with me. I know he doesn't want it. At least not for now, we both need to get ourselves together, I agree with that. But he'll fall in love with someone else. I'm afraid. I asked him if he wanted me to leave him alone. He said yes. So I'll wait. For him reaching out to me. I have to. I promised. But I'm scared that he won't. He shouldn't try to contact me anymore. That's the best for him. But my heart. It literally hurts. But I will not text him. Even though I saw he was online. But I promised. Why did I promise this? I know he is with other girls, forgetting me. He is the second boy I really loved, it was way more than being in love. Beyond that. Deeper. After I lost the first one I really loved, I promised myself, if I really love someone, I'll do anything to keep him. And I lost him. I really can be proud of myself, huh. I feel like I'm poison. I should stop writing.
If anyone here knows how to handle a broken heart, please help me.
Love,
Rose